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David Cameron “We must hunt down and berate fat kids who are rubbish at sports”
In a move to end “non-competitive sports days” the Prime Minister today announced new measures to berate overweight pupils who come last in running races. Mr Cameron told News Toad this morning,...
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Atos under fire again as David Cameron declared fit for work
David Cameron has been declared ‘fit for work’ and may lose his £142,500 per annum benefits according to disability denying random benefit allocators Atos. The decision may come as a blow for one of...
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Eastleigh election in turmoil as John O’Farrell eaten by bears
The Labour Party may well be left without a candidate at the forthcoming Eastleigh by-election as former political satirist turned mainstream politician John O’Farrell, was ambushed this afternoon and...
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Cameron to round up stray Tories in the style of ‘One man and his dog’
David Cameron has been secretly wining and dining the producers of hit TV sports show ‘One man and his dog’ in a bid to round up stray grass roots tories who are determined to have their own opinions...
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Labour “better in a fight” than Conservatives
The Labour party have come out as odds on favourites in the event of a fist fight with the Conservatives, according to recently published data from the Office for National Statistics. A spokesman...
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Hugh Grant to be “King of the newspapers”
Hugh Grant has confirmed that he will be accepting the position of ’King of the Newspapers” and as of today all news stories must be submitted to him for approval and editing. The new role is thought...
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Plot revealed to oust David Cameron’s successor
In a week that has seen David Cameron not only accidentally invited to a meeting to choose his successor but actually nominated to take over from himself as Party Leader, moves are apparently afoot...
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Britain set to vote ‘Wanking Monkey’
Party leaders are said to be ‘upset and disappointed’ at the results of the latest polls released today which suggest that most of the British public are intending to shun all major and minor...
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Cameron promises to be more racist as Lincolnshire declares independence from...
David Cameron has assured the public that he will be more racist in the future as he makes plans to win back the votes of people who like to blame things on foreigners. “Obviously I made a mistake in...
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“We are mad swivel eyed loons” confirm grassroots Tory Activists
Conservative Party Co-chairman Lord Feldman has said he feels ’great relief’ today as the majority of grassroots party members have confirmed ”He’s absolutely right you know. We are mad,...
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Legalising gay marriage will ‘awake the kraken’ warn Conservative activists
Plans to legalise same-sex marriage in England and Wales return to the Commons later, amid continuing opposition from some Conservative activists and MPs who have argued that the proposed legislation...
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Benefit claimants must ‘ride on a lion’ warns Iain Duncan Smith
Britain will not give EU immigrants any more benefits unless they are prepared to ride around on the back of a lion, Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith has warned, after Brussels launched...
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MPs in ‘Cash for flatulence’ shocker
MPs are taking monetary payments in order to break wind in parliament on request from lobbyists according to new information released this morning. The practice has come to light after undercover...
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Government to send old people down mines
Old people must be sent down mines and not allowed up again unless they have dug up something of value in new legislation suggested this morning by Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne. Speaking...
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Government to only pay Sickness Benefit for 1970s afflictions
Iain Duncan Smith has announced this morning that sickness benefit will only be available for 1970s illnesses in part of further changes to the benefits system. “There was none of this long term...
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Conservatives declare war on themselves
Prime Minister David Cameron has declared war on himself and advised that all other Conservative Party members do the same. Speaking at a press conference this morning the beleaguered Premier...
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New Conservative policies to be accompanied by evil laughs
David Cameron has told grass roots conservative supporters that he has listened to their views and is now prepared to act on them. From now on, he told party members this morning, there would be no...
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Government accused of favouritism towards hard working people
The Government have today been accused today of pandering to the wishes of hard working people. Speaking at a press conference this morning shouty number cruncher Eddie Balls warned that hard working...
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David Cameron “I want you all to stay poor”
The Prime Minister assured wealthy and influential dining guests that anyone affected by the austerity measures brought in by the Conservative led coalition is going to have to get used to it and...
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Iain Duncan Smith “I could run a piss up in a brewery”
Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith has hit back at critics who claim that he couldn’t run a piss up in a brewery with the clear response “I could. I could run a piss-up in a brewery.” “It’s...
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